The Final Duel
by Sundancer
Summary: A crappy and riciculously funny story I wrote with my cousin


The Final Duel

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hermione, Ron, Voldemort and all the other characters in this story belong to JK Rowling. I do not own any of them. sigh.

Harry Potter gripped his wand nervously. A one-on-one duel with Lord Voldemort was on the bottom of his list of favorite things to do for the holidays. Unfortunately, Dumbledore who had been placed under the Imperius curse by the traitor Professor Snape, had decided that Harry Potter was good enough to fight Voldemort and lose.

Voldemort smiled gleefully like a little child. He had waited seventeen long years for this wonderful day. Today would be the death of Harry Potter, the big pain in the neck. He would reward that one-time traitor Snape well. Perhaps he would force Madame Maxime to marry Snape. It would be a good match. He turned his attention back towards the duel and shouted,

"Imperio!"

Too bad he had directed his wand at himself. Now he was doing whatever he wanted to do: kill that irritating Harry Potter who should have died seventeen years ago. All of a sudden, he found his brain making him do cartwheels and other acrobatics impossible for a decaying body.

Harry Potter stared in disbelief before rolling on the floor and howling with laughter. While he was rolling around, he accidentally howled words that sounded a bit like 'Crucio'. Professor Dumbledore who had been standing on the side, bent up in excruciating pain. It was all over in few seconds as Dumbledore being old, suffered a heartattack from the pain and strain.

Snape who had been sleeping, woke up with a start as Harry Potter started howling like a werewolf. He jumped up and pointed his wand at first Harry then Voldemort, shouting 'Petrificus Totalus' – the spell for the full body bind.

Hermione and Ron, who had been cheering for Snape, laughed until the tears ran down their cheeks. Ron suddenly had an idea, he took out his wand and conjured up two firebolts, one for Voldemort and another for Harry. Hermione then removed the body binds. Harry Potter leapt onto the firebolt and prepared to fly off, but Voldemort blocked him with his broom. Harry gulped. Voldemort was a much better flyer than Harry. Ron decided that it was the right moment to let out the golden snitch and four bludgers to liven things up. Voldemort caught a glimpse of the snitch and went off zooming after it, reliving his days as Gryffindor seeker. Harry, deciding that he would show Voldemort who was the better seeker, followed in hot persuit. Unfortunately, Neville opened his mouth to say something and the snitch flew inside his mouth. In shock, Neville accidentally swallowed it. Harry and Voldemort could not stop in time. They crashed into Neville and broke all his teeth.

Ron decided that they had had enough fun. The firebolts vanished with a wave of his wand. Harry and Voldemort fell to the ground and broke almost every bone in their body. Gilderoy Lockheart, who had been waiting for this opportunity (he was the chief medic) rushed forwards and accidentally removed most of their bones.

Snape sneered at Harry and laughed like a hyena. Suddenly, Lupin appeared. He was in the middle of changing into a werewolf. He howled in pain. When he had transformed fully, he ran up to Snape and ate him up before Sirius in the form of a black shaggy dog could stop him. Apparently, Snape was to nasty to eat and Lupin vomited up the contents of his latest meal all over Sirius. Lupin was about to bite Sirius when he found his tail burning. Hagrid's dragon, Norbert, had set it afire. It then proceeded to burn the Whipping Willow, which lashed out and killed Norbert.

Meanwhile, Madam Pomfrey had regrown Harry's and Voldemort's bones. They glared at her and shouted 'Avada Kedavra' at her at exactly the same time. There were twin flashes of green light and Madam Pomfrey had disappeared. All that was left of her was a white pomfret.

"I'm going to kill you today, Harry!" Voldemort shouted. He worked himself up into such a rage that his flesh started dropping off in parts.

"Crucio! Imperio! Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted desperately at Harry who dodged the spell with ease.

Pettigrew, seeing his master falling apart, cast the full body bind on his Master and carefully stuck back the flesh with super glue. For no reason, Fawkes desided to heal Voldemort with his phoenix tears. But it only caused the flesh to disintegrate even more. Meanwhile, Harry was crying pitifully as he had knocked his head on a rock while rolling out of the way. Hermione was offering him a large box of tissue paper awkwardly. Ron was trying to stop Harry crying as it was embarrassing for both Ron and Hermione. Percy clucked disapprovingly and deducted twenty points from Gryffindor for inappropriate childish behavior. Cho Chang, Harry's crush, looked shocked and disgusted.

Finally, the deatheaters came and killed Harry Potter who simply cried his eyes out and did not bother to retaliate. Then the Aurors came and killed Lord Voldemort who was still stuck in his body bind. Just as the two groups were giving each other high fives, the dementors came and kissed everyone. Suddenly, the Whipping Willow burst into flame. The fire spread rapidly throughout the whole building and Hogwarts and its people were burnt down.


End file.
